You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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