I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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