My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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