How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
