Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
