No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
