I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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