This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
