last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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