haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
