I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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