did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
