just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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