it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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