I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
