That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
