My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Text me some of your sweat
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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