i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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