I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
