I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
