He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I die, sorry about rent.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
