Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
