On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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