the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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