i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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