god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
