i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
