Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
