Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
