Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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