I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I wish there were birth control emojis
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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