So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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