I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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