We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
