I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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