Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
