FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
