So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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