She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think i have two assholes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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