did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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