Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
