is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
