I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This house was built for laser tag.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
