she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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