In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
