This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
