I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
