I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
