i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
