My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
