ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize