his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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