Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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