i don't want you to think of me as your TA
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
