True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
