Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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