Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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